What’s my problem?

Mel Robbins said “You don’t have problems. You have habits”. Ok, that’s make sense. It comes to what happened in our life in the past. What kind of trauma or experience that we had in the past shaped our mind how we act today.

I still couldn’t find my problem yet. But here’s what happened few days ago and how I breakdown and broke all the good habits that I created.

I tried to create a good habit like doing yoga every morning, eat healthy breakfast and lowering my carb consumption every day. I feel strong and healthy. Until one day, I have to pushed my self to do overtime and I skipped my dinner. The next morning I felt so sick, my stomach bloating, my back is aching and got acid reflux. Everything going worse since then. I stop all my healthy eating habit and yoga everyday, I lost my own motivation, felt sick because got nausea, tired and weak. I skipped work. I’m really destroying my self at that time. I start blaming my self because I skipped dinner. I stop my yoga making excuse to myself because I’m sick and I don’t want to be more sick by doing yoga.

The truth is, yes I’m sick. I grew grey hair and feeling so weak few weeks ago. I have unbalance hormone because of what I eat. I got malnutrition and really look older than my age.

The mood swing, the negative thoughts, the laziness all come in the combination from lack of eating healthy food, unbalance hormone, past trauma and afraid of seeing my self change. I’m afraid of changing, afraid of trying to change and fail again.

Deep inside my heart I am jealous, anxious, afraid, restless comparing my self to the others. I’m already in my thirty yet I haven’t married yet, I haven’t got a great career, I haven’t got my self a house or a car. I consider myself is not success yet. But I’m getting older and I’m getting left behind by those youngster. People around me growing getting better and having a great life, while me I feel like I’m stuck in the same place.  I hate my job, I just take it because I need money. I want to pursue master degree, but I don’t have a great credibility and I don’t have achievement. I can’t get any recommendation at this rate, I have nothing to present to the university.

I hate this. I have to admit it but I’m a loser.

Since child mom always treat me like I’m special. So I always think that I am so special. Yet I know when I’m out there I’m not that special. This hurt my self-esteem, so maybe this is one thing that lead me to self destruction.

I always try, but in the end I’m the one who always destroy it. Currently feeling that I’m not worthy living.

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