Hard work

It’s almost been a month since I wrote my last post.

Well, I think I made my sickness as a reason to not continue what I already do. Maybe what happened is my mind can’t bear the stress then the body start feeling sick, or maybe it’s because I’m really sick. I don’t know, but whatever it is it decrease my self-esteem again.

At this moment, I feel like I already gave up my dream, my goal, my happiness. Just a few months ago I still have the passion to pursue my dream to get a master degree program in Japan. Now, I’m feeling like meh. I know, it’s because I’m throwing away the good habits and the positive thoughts. After getting sick, I realize my mind is become more and more negative. I lose my energy, my spirit, my passion and my goal. As soon as getting better again, yes I’m feeling healthy again, I can start to focus on my mind. Really, having a healthy body means having a healthy mind. I rarely can focus if I’m in sick.

Now that I have regain my healthiness. I’m thinking about to start again my good habits. Developing good thoughts and growth mindset and start doing the hardwork again. Ok, maybe last time it only last for couple weeks, but this time I will try to maintain for a months. This is what I need to go back to Japan and gain my confidence in what I do. Let’s do the hard work and aim you goal. And let leave the result to God, because he will know what best for me.

Have a nice day, mate!

Cheers

What’s my problem?

Mel Robbins said “You don’t have problems. You have habits”. Ok, that’s make sense. It comes to what happened in our life in the past. What kind of trauma or experience that we had in the past shaped our mind how we act today.

I still couldn’t find my problem yet. But here’s what happened few days ago and how I breakdown and broke all the good habits that I created.

I tried to create a good habit like doing yoga every morning, eat healthy breakfast and lowering my carb consumption every day. I feel strong and healthy. Until one day, I have to pushed my self to do overtime and I skipped my dinner. The next morning I felt so sick, my stomach bloating, my back is aching and got acid reflux. Everything going worse since then. I stop all my healthy eating habit and yoga everyday, I lost my own motivation, felt sick because got nausea, tired and weak. I skipped work. I’m really destroying my self at that time. I start blaming my self because I skipped dinner. I stop my yoga making excuse to myself because I’m sick and I don’t want to be more sick by doing yoga.

The truth is, yes I’m sick. I grew grey hair and feeling so weak few weeks ago. I have unbalance hormone because of what I eat. I got malnutrition and really look older than my age.

The mood swing, the negative thoughts, the laziness all come in the combination from lack of eating healthy food, unbalance hormone, past trauma and afraid of seeing my self change. I’m afraid of changing, afraid of trying to change and fail again.

Deep inside my heart I am jealous, anxious, afraid, restless comparing my self to the others. I’m already in my thirty yet I haven’t married yet, I haven’t got a great career, I haven’t got my self a house or a car. I consider myself is not success yet. But I’m getting older and I’m getting left behind by those youngster. People around me growing getting better and having a great life, while me I feel like I’m stuck in the same place.  I hate my job, I just take it because I need money. I want to pursue master degree, but I don’t have a great credibility and I don’t have achievement. I can’t get any recommendation at this rate, I have nothing to present to the university.

I hate this. I have to admit it but I’m a loser.

Since child mom always treat me like I’m special. So I always think that I am so special. Yet I know when I’m out there I’m not that special. This hurt my self-esteem, so maybe this is one thing that lead me to self destruction.

I always try, but in the end I’m the one who always destroy it. Currently feeling that I’m not worthy living.

Happy New Year 2018

Happy New Year 2018!!

A week late though. Yes, it’s already a week and I haven’t progress anything.
While other people are creating their own resolution and stating “new year new me”. For me it’s just another day, nothing particularly different. Still the same old me struggling with my own fearsness, self-doubt, depression and mood swing. Nothing change.

I already live for 3 decades, yet I still feel like I haven’t found myself. I still don’t know what I am capable of doing, I haven’t leave that border and push my self to the limit.

But I do realize something, what distinguish me from other people that already success. It’s the power of fighting that self-doubt, anxiety, weakness they posses in theirselves. They don’t give in to their negative thought. They take action, keep moving forward and beat their negative thoughts.

While writing this post. One thing for sure, I have to believe in myself and TAKE ACTION!! For the new bright future ahead.

OK guys, Happy new year once again. Have a nice one!

Progress

So in this post I just want to report that I have made through 2nd week in my machine learning course in coursera. Yeaaaaayyyyy!!!!

I cleared all the assignment with the perfect scores. Yeay!! Sorry about the bragging LOL.

But it does make me think, why I couldn’t finished it last time? When I try to finish the quiz or programming assignment I found my self stop and hesitating. At that time I think it’s too difficult and I couldn’t understand the material. Is it because I’m unfocused and having other thought back then? I don’t know either, but one thing for sure, right now I’m able to absorb and understand the material easily and more focus on learning new things.

I don’t know what happen to myself but I feel like I can have more focus to myself. That’s a good thing though, right? And right now I’m feeling like I can do anything and achieve anything with focus, determination and hard work LOL.

Ok that’s all for today.

I’ll keep posting about my progress.
God please lend me your strength to achieve my goals and dreams.

First step

The last post was so gloomy and dark. I can tell how was my mental condition at that time. I really was in my lowest point. I couldn’t even think straight. It was so negative.

So, I finally decided to focus my research on machine learning. At first, I was thinking to do research about NLP but I no longer have interest in that area, although it’s still an A.I area and machine learning will also be useful in NLP research. But I made up my mind that I will focus on machine learning.

I challenge myself to take Coursera’s course on machine learning by Andrew Ng. Actually, i already retake this course for like 5-6 times, LOL. I could only progress until week 2nd. I don’t know why but I stumble in 2nd week. I think I’m scared that material is hard to understand and afraid that I might fail.

I’m going to do it anyway, finish my machine learning course in Coursera and get in to Tokyo University. I already found the lab that I want to enter. It’s a big challenge. Yet still, I want to try this.

I decided, in order to achieve my dream to pursue my master degree in Japan, I will change my habit and take the first step. The first step are finish my 2nd week course in Coursera and read a lot about machine learning. I’m trying to use 5 seconds rule from Mel Robbins to interrupt all my bad habits, stop over thinking, worrying and start doing.

Oh and by the way, although I sometime skip few days in working out my posture, but I’m still doing it till today. I also add a tricep push up on toilet chair LOL, 8 push up every days, 8 seconds plank, cobra pose and underdog pose. I found out I have a lot of fat in my back and that’s made me look ugly and even worse because I hunching my back. It’s getting better though. I love my reflection on the mirror now and I feel like I stand taller than before. Keep progressing every day. I will work on it.

I will keep updating my progress in this blog. See you soon.

Reflection

Today I’m in my lowest point. I got sick. My nose is blocked and I have chills. I don’t feel like doing anything and I hate to think that tomorrow is Monday.

Oh forgot to tell, just received my TOEFL ITP score last friday. I only manage to raise my score in average of 2 points ;( I know this actually, because I don’t practice much.

With this body aching and low energy, I couldn’t even think about my research proposal. I said that in my next post I would decided my lab for master degree. Sorry to tell, my research on searching university haven’t progressing yet.

Having a thought that its because I’m getting older so my priority wasn’t career anymore. But I don’t have a feeling to search relationship yet. Year ago I was so eager to getting married and imagining myself get pregnant and having baby. Just imagining those things it could made me happy and enthusiast. But now, not anymore, I don’t care looking for another relationship and don’t care about getting married and having baby. I just don’t care about my life anymore.

I really don’t have any drive to be ambitious anymore. I don’t know what should I do with my life next.

I wish that I could go back to my past and redo it from junior high school.

First thing first

Rain just start falling here. The scent of water and wet ground, the fresh air and colder temperature brings a nice and calm atmosphere. Its a perfect mood to write on my blog.

So, talking about my progress to pursue master degree. I find it is fearsome for some low achiever and clueless goof like me. I admit it that unfocused and insecure younger me resulting a bad academic record. Yes, I don’t have an amazing or standout academic record, yet I’m aiming a top class university.

How scary is that?

So, while being overwhelmed with my own goals, I start to look for an answer in google. Google is always the best and wisest friend you can rely on 😀 LOL.

Here is what I  found on quora about how graduate school admission work in Japan.

Read Ankit Ravankar's answer to How does graduate school admission work in Japan (especially for engineering)? on Quora

After reading it, I feel more intimidated because I have to put a lot of effort to dig in deep with research area that interest me and I have to convince my future academic advisor that I’m worth it to work with. Wow, what a pressure, right? I know, but I have to face it and start one small step at a time. Because I know I want to live my life to the fullest and be a better person in the future. So I must face it and break the limit.

I already took TOEFL test, the result coming up next week. Next step, I must find the lab that align with my interest. Currently, I’m in to machine learning, so I must find a lab that focus their research on machine learning and start reading a lot of machine learning journal. Hope by the next post I already decide my lab and university where I want to go.

Stay healthy

Ok, so on the last post I wrote that I will start eating healthy and working out.

The eating part is a little difficult because too much challenge such as preparing time and the smelly and unclean refrigerator. I’m living in monthly rent room so to maintain the refrigerator hygienic is hard.

The excercising part is the one that I have been doing well for this week. I start it out with a few basic and simple yoga pose such as cobra, underdog and plank that will build my back muscle and fix my posture. I combine those poses with this yoga solution from Tara Stiles.

I have been doing it every morning for 5 days in a row now, although I only doing it for about 10-15 minutes daily but I already can see the result. I have a better back posture now (sorry I can’t show you a picture because I hate taking picture of my self).

I hope next week I can start to cook and eat healthy. I also thinking about going to gym to get better shape. One step at a time for better self 🙂

 

Start small

For the past two posts I talk about achievement and passion. I think about it all day. What kind of goal I can set starting from today? Small thing that I can do daily but will gain long term accomplishment.

I just went to my big sister home and talked with sister in law about eating healthy and exercising. They talked about inspiring story, how people who constantly doing it gained health and look younger. That’s it! I decided to start eating healthy and working out. I think it is the best goal for now, because I have health problem like GERD, high cholesterol and doctor said I am near to obesity.

I will start diet and  think about what I want to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I will do yoga in morning and night and jogging 3 times a week in the morning.

OK!! I will shape my body and stay healthy!

I will update about it on my blog often, as long as I can 🙂

Enjoy the process

What is my passion?

While I’m writing this, I feel that I’m not doing my passion and I just live by a routine. I’m not really living my life.

What is my calling?

Well,  actually maybe I already know the answer. I always have the urge to create something. I thinks it’s the calling, but the problem is that I’m not patient enough to enjoy the process. I tend to rush my self wanting to see the result.  Therefore, if I stumble or stuck in the middle of the process I would gave up and leave it behind.

Other than having patience, in order to create something I also have to stay focus. It’s not easy because I have  a scatter and loud mind, the chatter monkey in my mind was very loud and all over the place. I can’t focus because one random thought come after another. But somehow, along the time it calmed maybe because I aged so that my mind become calmer.

A lot of thing I want to do. I just have to start it one by one and start it from the simple thing.

It’s time to start living and do something. Let’s enjoy the process. I will update it on my blog as often as I can.